Thursday, April 23, 2009

Twilight aka Porn for Emo Kids

I love children/teen literature. I was one of those "interesting" people dressed in costume at the bookstore at midnight to get all the Harry Potter books from Goblet of Fire on. I have an interesting collection of 80's classics (The Babysitters Club, Girl Talk, The Gymnasts, and random other books whose cover models look like the predecessor for Blossom). Jerry Spinelli is one of my favourite authors. So, needless to say I was REALLY excited to read the series- and to get into another series now that Harry Potter is finit.

Fast forward to when I got the books....I guess someone neglected to tell me that they were comedies. Or perhaps someone neglected to tell the author that she is unintentionally funny about 90% of the time.

I mean seriously, what the FUCK?! Bella is perhaps the least likeable characters I have come across in several years (you know, that wasn't a villain- but even some of them had redeeming qualities). I'm not going to lie, on more than one occasion I wished that Victoria would take out the snivelling little puke (or that Jacob and Edward realized their undying love for one another and brokeback mountained it off to live happily ever after- but I digress).

Have you ever seen Blues Clues? Or really any other children's show where the main purpose is to present the only adult on the show as a drooling idiot who couldn't find his/her own ass? That, my dear, is Bella. I feel like shouting "A Clue! A Clue!" like the fucking salt and pepper shaker from Blues Clues as she BLATANTLY IGNORES what is directly in front of her for the fifty-seventh time. So, not only is she whiny, ungreatful, and the epitome of everything I hate about teenage girls, but she is also as dumb as a post. I call shenanigans on her supposedly getting top grades at school.

Seriously, the only redeeming feature for the series is this guy:

...who isn't even in the books unless you close you eyes and picture him.

To summarize:

Hot British Guy = Thumbs Up

Badly Written Over-Hyped Series = Thumbs Down

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Oh Noes! The Gay Agenda is Gonna Get You!

Take cover!!! The "Gay Agenda" is on the loose!

Perhaps someone should explain this one to is asking to be treated as an equal, and given the same rights as a heterosexual part of some scary insidious "agenda"? Or, how giving homosexuals the right to marry will somehow affect your own marriage? Last time I checked. straights have already done a fairly thurough job of fucking up the institution of marriage- just ask Britney Spears, Renee Zellwegger, and Liz Taylor. So, essentially in most states of the US, any couple can get married, as long as one half of the partnership has a penis and the other a vagina. It doesn't matter if she is sleeping with the best man, the guy has 5 different baby-mamas trying to hunt him down, or there is no chance in hell of their marriage surviving. They have the right combination of parts, so their union is a go. But if John and Steve want to tie the knot, "OMG, it's, like, a TOTAL affront to society, yo!".

Explain this one to me- the vast majority of those against gay marriage are religious conservatives. I thought one of the tenants of conservatism was LESS government involvement in the personal lives of the public? What, does this only apply if it's in regard to something YOU believe in? So, essentially you should have the freedom to have a fucking loaded handgun under your bed which your kid may or may not use to blow some fucker's head off at school because they were teased...but two adults who love each other shouldn't be allowed to be married. I thought freedom of religion also meant freedom FROM religion? As in, you are allowed to practice whatever religion you like as long as you are not breaking any laws in the process (as in marrying off your 12 year old to a 60 year old who already has 9 wives)- but you don't have the right to force your religious beliefs onto others, or use those beliefs to subjugate another group of people.

Perhaps one of the most assinine things I have read in awhile was someone complaining about a children's book in the public library which *gasp* had a character with two mommies in it. Yes folks, it's that pesky gay agenda now out to get your KIDDIES!!! Hide them under the bed- first it's going to be books about different types of families, and next they are going to be forcing your son to wear a feather boa and listen to Cher. Honestly, are you that insecure in your own parenting that you are scared of a kid's book? Assinine comment #2 related to the notion that automatically a kid's book with gay characters should be considered "adult content". Wow, I guess I must have missed the part where little Johnny's two mommies got it on with a 12" strap on- what page was that on again?

Oh yes, that scart gay agenda is out to get ya.....funny, when I ask my gay friends, this is what they tell me their "agenda" looks like:

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Fleetwood Mac in Concert- AKA Mullet Watch, 2009

Ok, I'm not gonna lie- I have the musical tastes of a 47 year old dude. I couldn't give a rat's ass about Beyonce, Katy Perry, or whatever the devil the young kids are listening to these days. However, give me Styx, The Eagles, or Tom Petty, and I squee like a little girl who just saw the Jonas Brothers ordering Dinner in a Denny's.

My kick-ass husband, who knows this, got me tickets to Fleetwood Mac for Xmas- which guaranteed he got some over the holiday season (Happy Holidays!). The concert was last Monday.

We got there early, and within five minutes it became blatantly obvious that the average Fleetwood Mac fan looks like this:

Complete with Mom jeans including front butt.

So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty good. I guess I would liken it to being the thinnest kid in fat camp- you know you may not be wicked-hot, but you'll take the "better by comparison" vote.

All you middle-aged white women, please take note. You're totally my peeps- I can't rag on you that bad, because quite honestly I am slowly morphing into you, one grey hair at a time. However, please, for all of our sake, do not try to dance. SRSLY...because I am on your side, I will be honest with you. When you dance you look like a cross between someone who badly needs to shit and someone who is in the midst of an epileptic seizure. I don't know whether to find you a toilet or call an ambulance.

Although, the scary white girl shuffle wasn't nearly as bad as the dude in front of us, who looked like Cartman from South Park mated with one of the guys from Night at the Roxbury and created an unholy spawn. He was doing the headbop, but not only was he not on time with the music, but he was also not on time with the rest of his body. If there was no music present, I would think he was dry heaving.

Yeah, so needless to sayn even though the concert was fecking awesome (I seriously :puffy heart: Lindsey Buckingham, and want to have lots of sex and babies with him), I spent the majority of the time people watching. But, with that crowd, can you blame me?

This bring me to the chick in the first row who thought it was an awesome idea to wear a minidress and go-go boots, minus the much needed BRA. Ummm....just because you are old and blonde, Stevie Nicks you are not. I don't care how much you twirl around, or how much blow you may have done twenty years ago.

All in all, the concert was indeed awesome. And I will continually salut them in my newly acquired Fleetwood Mac shot glass :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ah shit, and so it begins...

*Sigh*.....I am finally biting the bullet and starting a blog. If only for the sake of my husband, because I am sure he is sick to death of me bitching to him about random shit he probably doesn't give a damn about (but smiles and nods, because he knows that if he doesn't he won't be getting any later).

I shit you not, this is a typical evening in our household:

So, for the sake of my husband, I will now rant here, instead of to him at 10pm while he's trying to block my voice out with his pillow.

So....let's see. I'm creeping towards my late twenties. I'm coming to the startling conclusion that, that dark pink spot near my belly button isn't a mole but rather my nipple (thank you pregnancy and nursing). I also have a tendency to be "that" mom in the mall when my daughter decides that she wants something and must have it NOW!! (and by THAT mom I mean the mom pulling along a screaming toddler, seemingly oblivious to the fact that her child's voice has reached such an ear-splitting level that dogs 4 blocks older are hiding under their porch- yeah, that's me, nice to meet you).