Thursday, April 23, 2009

Twilight aka Porn for Emo Kids

I love children/teen literature. I was one of those "interesting" people dressed in costume at the bookstore at midnight to get all the Harry Potter books from Goblet of Fire on. I have an interesting collection of 80's classics (The Babysitters Club, Girl Talk, The Gymnasts, and random other books whose cover models look like the predecessor for Blossom). Jerry Spinelli is one of my favourite authors. So, needless to say I was REALLY excited to read the series- and to get into another series now that Harry Potter is finit.

Fast forward to when I got the books....I guess someone neglected to tell me that they were comedies. Or perhaps someone neglected to tell the author that she is unintentionally funny about 90% of the time.

I mean seriously, what the FUCK?! Bella is perhaps the least likeable characters I have come across in several years (you know, that wasn't a villain- but even some of them had redeeming qualities). I'm not going to lie, on more than one occasion I wished that Victoria would take out the snivelling little puke (or that Jacob and Edward realized their undying love for one another and brokeback mountained it off to live happily ever after- but I digress).

Have you ever seen Blues Clues? Or really any other children's show where the main purpose is to present the only adult on the show as a drooling idiot who couldn't find his/her own ass? That, my dear, is Bella. I feel like shouting "A Clue! A Clue!" like the fucking salt and pepper shaker from Blues Clues as she BLATANTLY IGNORES what is directly in front of her for the fifty-seventh time. So, not only is she whiny, ungreatful, and the epitome of everything I hate about teenage girls, but she is also as dumb as a post. I call shenanigans on her supposedly getting top grades at school.

Seriously, the only redeeming feature for the series is this guy:

...who isn't even in the books unless you close you eyes and picture him.

To summarize:

Hot British Guy = Thumbs Up

Badly Written Over-Hyped Series = Thumbs Down

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Oh Noes! The Gay Agenda is Gonna Get You!

Take cover!!! The "Gay Agenda" is on the loose!

Perhaps someone should explain this one to is asking to be treated as an equal, and given the same rights as a heterosexual part of some scary insidious "agenda"? Or, how giving homosexuals the right to marry will somehow affect your own marriage? Last time I checked. straights have already done a fairly thurough job of fucking up the institution of marriage- just ask Britney Spears, Renee Zellwegger, and Liz Taylor. So, essentially in most states of the US, any couple can get married, as long as one half of the partnership has a penis and the other a vagina. It doesn't matter if she is sleeping with the best man, the guy has 5 different baby-mamas trying to hunt him down, or there is no chance in hell of their marriage surviving. They have the right combination of parts, so their union is a go. But if John and Steve want to tie the knot, "OMG, it's, like, a TOTAL affront to society, yo!".

Explain this one to me- the vast majority of those against gay marriage are religious conservatives. I thought one of the tenants of conservatism was LESS government involvement in the personal lives of the public? What, does this only apply if it's in regard to something YOU believe in? So, essentially you should have the freedom to have a fucking loaded handgun under your bed which your kid may or may not use to blow some fucker's head off at school because they were teased...but two adults who love each other shouldn't be allowed to be married. I thought freedom of religion also meant freedom FROM religion? As in, you are allowed to practice whatever religion you like as long as you are not breaking any laws in the process (as in marrying off your 12 year old to a 60 year old who already has 9 wives)- but you don't have the right to force your religious beliefs onto others, or use those beliefs to subjugate another group of people.

Perhaps one of the most assinine things I have read in awhile was someone complaining about a children's book in the public library which *gasp* had a character with two mommies in it. Yes folks, it's that pesky gay agenda now out to get your KIDDIES!!! Hide them under the bed- first it's going to be books about different types of families, and next they are going to be forcing your son to wear a feather boa and listen to Cher. Honestly, are you that insecure in your own parenting that you are scared of a kid's book? Assinine comment #2 related to the notion that automatically a kid's book with gay characters should be considered "adult content". Wow, I guess I must have missed the part where little Johnny's two mommies got it on with a 12" strap on- what page was that on again?

Oh yes, that scart gay agenda is out to get ya.....funny, when I ask my gay friends, this is what they tell me their "agenda" looks like: